Discovering Bachata: Mexico, Music, and My Series of (Mis)Steps

I am looking at a girl dancing beautifully with a tall handsome man in a park on a sunny Sunday afternoon in Mexico City. Their moves are intimate & their bodies flow naturally as they are both clearly enjoying the tension between masculine & feminine. They are dancing something called sensual bachata. I try to not let it bruise my ego, but it does because that beautiful girl is someone I started dating a few weeks ago, and my dancing skills suck compared to those of that dude.

For those unacquainted with couples dancing, It is normal to dance with strangers so there was no harm done in that moment by them. Still I feel like a clumsy tall gringo in Mexico learning my first latin dance and it can be terrifying as everyone around me seems to be an expert and I’m just trying to remember the most basic move and not step on my partner’s feet.

To provide some context, Bachata is a social couple dance invented in the 1960s in the Dominican Republic. And In the 21st century, the dance quickly evolved to have a lot more sensual maneuvers as well as elements from other styles like Brazilian Zouk, Salsa, tango. It is a very intimate dance.

Example of some amazing dancing in modern style:

You see, with many other skills like writing or taking Spanish, I can quietly improve at the comfort of my own home and engage with the outerworld in a low stakes environment. 

With latin dancing, the stakes feel a lot higher, especially as a guy that has to lead. 

So why did I put myself through these awkward moments where my self worth is being questioned? 

A realization came to me a few years ago, when I was working remotely in Bali, Indonesia. I was living in paradise but I felt as lonely as Tom Hanks from the movie Cast Away. I talked to people and hung out with them but didn’t feel connected. Through desperation, I realized a quick way to connect with people on a deeper level is to engage typically in some sort of physical activity with people where we can build trust, communication, & camaraderie. In Bali, it ended up being acro yoga & ecstatic dance. For other people, it can be jiu jitsu, mma, frisbee, or whatever your heart desires. 

In Mexico, the bachata scene is quite popular with lots of locals and expats alike joining in so I wanted to be part of this mysterious circle to meet new people.

So, how does one typically improve in bachata?

Also a caveat: I cover my experiences from a man’s perspective, but a lot of this can be applicable or at least educational for women as well! 🙂

Generally, after taking a few classes, you are encouraged to start practicing moves on the dance floor. Keep in mind that the partner you just asked to dance with has no idea what moves you’re trying to lead with. And as the “lead”, these are a ton of things that I have to keep in mind when dancing with a partner, or a “follow”:

When I started I had no concept of how important my body was to this dance.  My shoulders slumped and my eyes were not paying attention. Some of the women didn’t say anything, but I could see the disappointed look on their faces.

Then after learning some basics and intermediates & tirelessly memorizing them for months, the moves start to feel a bit more natural, but my body language and intent are not clear & the followers are sometimes confused on what I am trying to do. Once I figure that out, I have to get better at coordinating the pace of the dance.  If I am doing a fast paced move during a slow part of the song, then I am not present & not following the vibe of the dance floor. If I try to do an  advanced variant on a beginner, she will feel overwhelmed. If I do moves that are too easy with an advanced dancer, she will be bored. 

To top it off, and make this an enjoyable experience, my confidence and positive body language should be apparent, otherwise she will be disengaged & disinterested. 

Mind you, I didn’t mention anything yet about learning the moves themselves & making them look natural & effortless.

When you’re learning to dance, mistakes are inevitable & sometimes it hurts. 

When I started, my moves were robotic & my style felt non-existent. And some of those awkward moments can feel mortifying.

This is where I see a lot of men stuck in “the awkward phase” of beginner dancing & not being able to experience the artform to its full potential. Many quit after a few months as their dreams of effortless dancing die and they revert to what they were doing before

 It doesn’t have to end this way though.

A year and half later after that initial experience with the girl in the park, I enjoy bachata to its fullest. It’s an amazing artform & a way of connecting with close friends and strangers alike. How did I get out of the awkward phase? After a lot of ups and downs, I’ve narrowed it down it down to 3 concepts:

I) Bring A Positive Attitude

When I was learning initially, I would make a mistake, forget a move or wasn’t leading clearly. This happens a lot in the beginning. And I would get frustrated…

I see this mistake happens a lot with beginner leads. When you make a mistake at home in front of your laptop, that’s acceptable behavior to be frustrated and you can do whatever you want. On the dance floor, you should reconsider this. 

A follower on a dance doesn’t care if you did some beginner move, if you made a mistake or if you did some crazy advanced maneuver. Those are implementation details. When you boil it down to its essence, all she really cares about is how you made her feel. So, have fun! Look into her eyes, smile and give your best effort. When you fail, laugh at yourself and continue on. She will likely not notice or care at the slightest.

This also takes care of the other sin that leads often do: focus so much on getting the steps right, that they don’t pay attention to their follower.

And if the follower still has unwelcoming energy in the middle or after the dance, don’t take it personal. Maybe she had a bad day. It’s nothing in your control anyway.

II) Practice Consistently

I wanted to get out of the awkward phase as fast as possible. As is anything else in life, you have to put in the time and effort. I took private classes at least 2 times per week, group classes 1-2 times a week, and practiced the steps at home and pretended I had an invisible partner.

You want the steps to feel natural & that takes a ton of repetition by yourself and feedback from instructors. I committed to this routine for about a year.

III) Go Out & Dance

Group Classes and privates with a teacher are great. But dancing at a social party, same as with life, is not a choreography. You have to learn how to dance with people that don’t know the moves you learned, with both tall and short partners, with different styles, preferences, etc. This is intimidating at first. You will see men and women making complex sequences look effortless & breathtaking and think that you suck! But it’s all good. All you should focus on is your own improvement, putting yourself out there, learning and you will progress quickly.

After 6 months of consistent practice, you will be able to hold your own with basic and intermediate moves. And in a year or 2, people will start asking you to dance, invite you to parties, etc. because they had so much fun with you in the past.

——

Getting past the awkward phase is not easy, but the rewards on the other side are immense. You will have a lifelong skill to have fun, make friends and communicate with others on a different dimension anywhere you travel in the world.

Also, in an epidemic of loneliness, dance communities in general are very welcoming & tight night places where you don’t need to drink alcohol to meet new people, which makes it a lot more sustainable and less soul sucking than tinder dates or Friday nights at a bar.

In a good 3 minute dance, you can build a lot more trust, connection & intimacy with a stranger than in multiple hours of talking with them.

Cheers: Andriy

Ps here is me dancing with that same girl. We have been together for a year and half now.