Trigger Warning: I talk about depression & suicide ideation here. Content may be disturbing or upsetting.
"I have recurring passive suicidal ideations," I tell my friend as we are sitting across from each other this holiday in Puerto Escondido, Mexico in our top-floor Airbnb, overlooking palm trees, the powerful beaming sun, and the scenic surf beach. The uncomfortable words starkly contrast the picturesque paradise we are in.
It is a difficult thing to admit. About every month or two, my mind can get triggered by the most minor things and go into a negative spiral like clockwork.
The perplexing thing is that I have never seriously contemplated doing it and have never been clinically or seriously depressed. But the small pesky thoughts still come back like a bleak boomerang that somehow always magically returns to its owner.
Does that make me ungrateful or abnormal?
It is odd that my mind can go into that place sometimes, given all the positive things I currently have in my life, from a good group of friends that will be there if I ask for help, a great paying job that allows me to be remote, and a fantastic girlfriend. However, somehow, the idea still comes up every so often.
The typical pattern of it most likely appearing is when I have been working alone for a few days with fewer in-person interactions, when I am on social media and catch myself comparing myself at my lowest to somebody's highlight, or when I ignore the health basics such as sleep. In addition, unstabilizing events like going through a friendship or relationship breakup, transitioning to a new job, moving to a city almost certainly can trigger my mind into a negative spiral.
When I look at other animals like dogs and deer, most of them don't seem to deal with these thoughts. They seem to live in the moment, enjoying a nice meal, a stroll in nature, or a playful time with their buddies. The ones that do seem depressed or in bad spirits, I noticed, are typically outside of their natural habitat, such as caged gorillas or elephants in a zoo, not able to spend time in nature with their tribe.
Are humans much different, presently living outside of our natural habitat? I have spoken to friends over the years about these thoughts. Many have clear aspects of external success, from marriages, kids, and comfortable houses to careers being coaches, doctors, therapists and entrepreneurs. The striking thing is that the vast majority of them have similar experiences of ebb and flow and some form of suicidal ideation or a dark hole that emerges. For some, it's lighter; for others, it's heavier.
In either case, I have a feeling that I am not the minority but the silent majority.
Given that I have gone through this many times, the positive side of my subconscious, like a grandma with an age-old remedy, already knows what to do.
Simple things like going for walks and calling my family and friends to catch up with them are the easiest ways to snap myself back into the lighter side of perspective. Most of the time, I don't even tell the person I am interacting with what's in the back of my mind because I know that whatever triggered it is some meaningless little gnat in the long term. The trigger could have been having a tough personal or professional day, doom scrolling on Instagram, unconsciously comparing my lowlights to someone's highlights, and other small catalysts that amount to very little in the long term but in the short term have an outsized emotional impact.
When things are slightly bleak, my analytical mind is looking for what's wrong and how to fix it, which can quickly go down a negative spiral of feeling ungratefulness and shame.
In reality, just like for that caged unhappy gorilla or elephant, for me personally it is likely a signal that I lack the basic elements like being understood by others, human connection, and nature - things that were more abundant in the tribal days and less so now with the invisible walls in the brick jungle of large modern cities.
The purpose of writing this piece is not to ask for help or give unwarranted advice. I simply want to share something I haven't shared before. I often dismiss these feelings as a small burden, yet it's a meaningful part of my life that I want to write down on paper and admit to myself.
The human condition is a wild, age-old evolutionary maze that we must navigate with our 21st-century tools. My mind was not meant to be working solitary on the computer for 12 hours a day or being on social media. Still, here we are, living in the best of times and the loneliest of times, and my mind is doing its best trying to swim through the uncharted territories of modern life.
Cheers! Andriy
PS. thanks to
& for helping me edit this piece!
Thank you for sharing. You are not alone in this. Like hairstyles, I feel it comes in many shapes and sizes. The ideation I experienced when my second was a baby came from living a lie and not being true to myself.
Your insights were well articulated. I feel like I’ve known about modern life being a cause for suicidal ideation, but I haven’t heard it spelled out like this.
The way it’s discussed currently can cause more harm than good. Hearing that the moments ebb and flow and have varying degrees of intensity helps reduce the stigma. I hope more people will share as openly as you.